Recently, I’ve had conversations with my kids about what it’s appropriate and not appropriate to say to different people. I’ve always been very careful with how I’ve spoken to them but I know that in the past I’ve said things I wish I could retract! Now as I watch my kids grow up I want to spare them the pain of making similar mistakes and having similar regrets.

I want my kids to be able to express how they feel to me and other close family but to have a filter that they use with other people. Not everyone needs to know everything you’re thinking and feeling. Not everyone needs to know what you think about them! Even if you think it will be helpful!

I’ve had to explain that not everyone wants to hear the truth about everything. But how do you explain what’s ok to say and what isn’t?

The best way we’ve found is for us to model it for them. We have a very large dinner table and we sit at it every day for our meals and it’s rare for it just to be the six of us eating together. This gives us an opportunity to model communication.

This in some ways is a high risk strategy because it means there have been some big blunders! But it also means that our kids get to see how we handle those blunders. How we apologise if necessary and we can chat later about where they went wrong. Usually though we all end up laughing and don’t take ourselves too seriously.

We have tried a couple of techniques to get everyone around the table involved in the conversation and help with turn taking. The first one we did for a few years was to let everyone share their happiest moment of the day and their hardest moment. This meant everyone got to speak and we all got to hear about each others day without interrupting and then at the end we could offer some encouragement for getting through whatever the challenge was. We could also talk about what they could do differently the next day.

More recently, we’ve made it a family tradition on birthdays or special occassions to put the person for whom the day is special, in the spotlight and everyone else says what they especially love about that person. We’ve found this so helpful especially with our teenagers, as they often only hear what’s wrong with them from the world around them. This has lead to some really special moments of recognition and confidence boosts.

Whether you’re neurodiverse or neurotypical, we all have to learn to control our tongues! So the best advice I’ve heard is to remember you have two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion!