Author: racheltheunissenwriter

Covid is in the house!

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This weekend my oldest son tested positive for Covid on a lateral flow test which lead to a positive PCR test. It’s had a huge impact on friends whom we had seen in the 48 hours previously and means many of them are also having to self isolate. It’s resulted in thinking a lot about Covid and the restrictions we’ve been living under for the last year and a half.

I have friends who fill all the spectrum of feelings on this. I have friends who are working flat out in the NHS, seeing heart-breaking situations, including people dying alone of Covid in hospital unable to be visited by family. Truly devastating. I have other friends who believe it’s all a hoax and we should ignore it all and stand up against the government and global elite. I have friends who have barely left the house for fear of catching it and even now are reluctant to return to normality. Teenagers who now have crippling anxiety and are unsure who to trust or believe.

Fear seems the common denominator. Fear of catching Covid, fear of being controlled, fear of being misunderstood. One of the phrases I’ve seen a lot is that ‘Media is the Virus’. It’s interesting that people are deciding that’s only the case now. It’s been a problem for decades. I would actually include Social Media in that. Fear spreads quickly, it sells newspapers, it gets you to click, it makes them money! Not just Covid but everything.

I don’t hold extreme views in either direction and my heart breaks for anyone who has been affected by what’s happened over the last year. Overall my stance has to be one of compassion and non-judgement. At some point we’ll know the truth and maybe those who are in fear of the virus are right or maybe those in fear of control. I imagine it’s somewhere in the middle.

If we can use this time to be kind to one another, not throwing stones and accusing people of ignorance or recklessness. To understand we’re all imperfect people who make mistakes. Ultimately I believe God is in control, so I don’t fear death, nor do I fear control. I stay close to Him and trust that He will bring the truth to light. I will live under the authority of the government of the country I live in – Jesus told his disciples to pay to Caesar what belongs to Caesar (now there was a corrupt and evil government).

Let’s choose not to judge people for their views on Covid and instead remember the privilege we have, especially in the UK, the right to protest, the ability to stay home, the right to free speech and to be able to disagree. But let’s not lose the ability to disagree and still be kind.

In a year of disappointments and frustrations I want to choose thankfulness, not denying the pain but living with it and allowing it to shape me into a better person and push me closer to God.

Routine is King!

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As we’ve had to throw out our usual routine due to self isolation, we have become again aware of how necessary routine is in our lives! Not just because we have a child with ASD but for everyone’s sanity!

I’ve mentioned before how, when I write, I’m a planner but it actually carries across most of life. I like some spontaneity, not too much though! One of the hardest birthdays was before I was married, Sean and my housemate organised a surprise party for me. I couldn’t enjoy the party because all my plans had been thrown out!

Sometimes I wonder how helpful being a planner is, but parenting a child with ASD has made it a gift. We reduce anxiety by creating a plan and where there is a change we ensure as much notice as possible, or we will warn if there is a possible change. It’s impossible to remove all anxiety from life and if we did we wouldn’t prepare our kids for the real world, but having some structure teaches them some disciplines for the future.

Things we do include writing out a meal plan. This helps as food is big in our home! It also helps with making a shopping list. I get the kids to give some input and if I’m making a meal I know they don’t like I’ll plan a pudding they love!

We like having guests to dinner so we plan certain evenings when they will come. I can then set expectations, letting them know if there will be kids they can play with or whether they will need to let the adults talk while they entertain themselves. (So you can imagine isolation has been tough! Every day the same question “Who’s coming for dinner?” Everyday the same answer “No one!”)

As we’re heading into school holidays I will make play dates and try to mix up who we see so that each of the kids has someone their age. We plan walks, garden days, beach days, baking days and maybe a TV day!

We have a ten day camping trip planned and the kids know each day there is the same! We may have a water fight one day, I take my oldest daughter to look around the charity shops and another day a BBQ. But everyday, there’s the park, the woods and a walk. (Every year we come home with stories and I’m sure at some point there will be a post with the funniest!)

So routine may be hard work to put together at times but I know that for our family it brings such a helpful structure and a sense of stability. Whether or not you have a child with additional needs, the boundaries and routines we set for them give them security. Don’t be a slave to your routine but at the same time if you don’t plan in fun it won’t happen! That includes cooking something interesting for dinner!

Absent Friends

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This week has been a bitter sweet one saying goodbye to a special friend, Sasha. So I thought as most of you don’t know her I’d share a little of her story and why there is a sweetness to her dying.

In February 2019 I was asked to give Sasha a call as she had been in touch with the church as she had some questions about life. I called and arranged to meet her at the church building one morning the following week.

She arrived looking very glamorous in her faux fur coat, perfect make up and hair! She even had a matching handbag and shoes! Something that both impresses and intimidates me! I’m not that organised or glamorous! Anyway we sat at a table in the foyer and we chatted easily for a while. Then I asked how I could help her?

Her eyes had glittered with tears as she told me that she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and she was scared. She didn’t have any peace about dying. I cried with her as it had been less than a year since I’d lost my mother in law to the same evil illness. I was honest with her and told her I didn’t have the peace to give her but I knew a man who did. His name is Jesus.

After this conversation we met regularly and talked about everything and I really mean everything! She attended our Church’s Alpha course to learn more about the Christian faith. We would debrief regularly about the week and one of the things she loved was the people. She would tell me about the people from all walks of life that she’d met and the peace she saw in those who had accepted Jesus and by the end came to the conclusion that’s what she needed.

She prayed a prayer and invited Jesus into her life. The transformation was stunning! She’d found what she was looking for. Peace.

She got baptised in February 2020 in her garden with a pink flamingo bucket! It was a wonderful occasion, full of fun and life, just as she was!

During the pandemic we chatted regularly. She shared with me about all the incredible ventures she’d started and courses she’d taken. She realised that through it all she was searching for what she now had. She still had adventure in her heart but it wasn’t what drove her anymore.

A month ago I went round and saw her in person for the first time in ages. We sat in the garden and chatted as usual. It was clear she was in pain but she was still smiling, still looking glamorous! But as I was about to leave she asked me to come and see her hospital bed in the bedroom. As we went inside she whispered that time was going fast now. We prayed and she smiled. She wasn’t afraid for herself but worried about those she loved. She gave me an enormous hug, she knew she hadn’t long left.

The last time I saw her she was still smiling even as she struggled to stay awake. She took my hand and held it tight. There it was, peace that surpasses understanding. When she went to be with Jesus she didn’t linger long. She went to the hospice on the Monday, which is where she knew she wanted to die and passed away on the Tuesday.

This week was the celebration of her life. Everyone who spoke about her talked of her laughter and fun. The way she embraced life and loved loudly!

My sadness that she’s gone is tinged with a sweetness of knowing she’s not in pain anymore and she’s with Jesus! She’s promised to save me a seat! My only regret is that my time getting to know her was so short. I will miss her deeply but know when I see her again she’ll be full of laughter without hiding any pain.

I go on and I’m sure will meet many people but Sasha will forever have a special place in my heart. Goodbye my friend, until we meet again.

Editing (my least favourite part of writing!)

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It’s been a busy week this week and as I’m self isolating after a trip to London I’ve had some time to catch up on editing.

My editor Justine, has done an incredible job editing ‘Reflections’ and she sent it all back to me shining with it’s comments and trackable changes to approve. It’s quite easy to go through her notes as she is almost always right! It’s so helpful that she gets what I’m trying to create and I’m glad that it made her cry!

But now I turn to editing my first novel that has been tucked away while I finished Reflections. I don’t know how you feel about editing, but my writing partner and I have different feelings about it! Sophie is the sensible one who really enjoys working on edits and improving and polishing, whereas I get so bored! I love the new novel stage, the getting the words down, creating the characters, making them do whatever I want them to! But editing, urgh! So dull!

When you finish a first draft, you feel it’s perfect! You want to tell the world you’ve done it. You stroke the printed pages and smile to yourself smugly that you persevered and have created this novel!

Then you tuck it away for a week or so, basking in the glow of your success. Then you go back to the first page! The disappointment is real! With this first novel, I’ve already gone through it a few times, so the thought of starting all over again is a bit like going back to school! Unfortunately the editing needs to begin with a full re-write of the first page!

My top tips for editing:

  1. Remember that everyone has to do it.
  2. Take breaks when it feels too much. Get out for some fresh air if possible.
  3. Find out what works best for you. Do you need to have it on paper and write notes or do you work better with a screen?
  4. Watch some YouTube videos on editing (not too many, don’t want to procrastinate!).
  5. Ask a friend you trust to be a Beta reader when you feel ready, then when you get their feedback don’t respond straight away! (See my blog post on Critique!)
  6. Set acheiveable goals. Decide you will edit for a certain amount of time and then have a break. Use the Nanowrimo website to set the goals and then you get a lovely goal tracker to keep an eye on how you’re doing. Reward yourself when you acheive them. Pre-Covid Sophie and I would reward ourselves with a Latte at Starbucks when we got somewhere!
  7. Finally, give it to an editor. They are the best. You may not like them initially! But they will pick up on things that you don’t see. Like character arcs, holes in the plot and problems with tense or point of view.

The best thing, I’ve found, is to keep going. If I get particularly frustrated or bored then I go for a walk or pick up a book and read something completely different. Escape, when you get back it’s usually not as bad as you thought!

I’d love to hear your editing tips or stories! I’m sure I’m not the only one who hates editing!

Beginnings

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I’ve not blogged for a couple of weeks with half term and family stuff going on but sitting to write this week I got thinking about beginnings.

In particular, novels and how they draw you in. As you’ll know from past posts I love to start new things and so when I start a novel I want to be caught up! It’s the same when I’m writing one. Some of my favourite novels start with such incredible first lines that I had to share some of them!

It’s hard for me to think about opening lines without referring to the classic ‘Pride and Prejudice’ – “A single man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a wife!” Can that be beaten?!

Another book that doesn’t just have a great opening line – “I still remember the day my father took me to the Cemetery of Forgotten Books for the first time.” but the whole first few pages are so beautifully written I had to read them aloud to Sean and insist that he agree with me that it was incredible prose! (You can feel sorry for him!) The book’s called ‘Shadow of the Wind’ by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.

What’s interesting about Dickens is that as some of his novels were serialised in newspapers so the beginning of each chapter had to grip you to keep the reader intrigued! Probably my favourite Dickens (so far) is ‘Little Dorrit’ which starts ‘Thirty years ago, Marseilles lay burning in the sun one day.’ This beginning was one that meant I had so many questions it kept me reading.

I’ve been piling books onto my desk from the bookshelves around the house and realised that I could bore you with dozens of opening lines! But you can exhale because I won’t!

All this is to say, beginnings matter. Whether literary or life! Throw yourself into them and brace yourself for the journey your taking or being taken on. That’s my plan over the next few weeks as I think about the start of the school holidays, starting editing another novel, starting a new decade myself in September. Beginnings matter, whether big or small, I want to embrace the journey.

Rest

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This week coming I have time off. I’m so looking forward to having a rest. But it’s made me ask the question ‘What is rest?’.

I’ve realised the answer is different for everyone and different in every season of life. For Sean, it’s playing his guitar and getting out his loop pedal! Or lighting the BBQ and cooking some meat. We all get to enjoy that one!

For me it’s books and sunshine! I haven’t had much time to read just for fun recently and so that’s what I’m looking forward to.

I’ve listened to some teaching on slowing down and it makes me realise how busy we are as a society. We wear our busyness as a badge of honour. We try to out do one another with how much we’re doing. No one’s boasting about the really good day off they had!

Rest is vastly under estimated and under appreciated! Rest isn’t only found in staring at a TV screen. The best rest is found in the things that give you life and energy.

So that’s what I’m dedicating this week to. Everything that helps me to take a deep breath and pause. I’m throwing comparison out of the window and embracing doing whatever so can to give life not just to me but to the kids as well.

Fresh air, food and friends! And most importantly books!

A great book on this subject is ‘In Praise of Slow’ by Karl Honore or ‘Three Mile an Hour God’ by Kosuke Koyama.

Balancing parenting and working

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The last few weeks have been focussed on my new project and so I wanted to talk about the challenges of being a working mum! Not always a popular topic but one I thought it was worth a post on!

Before I had kids I wouldn’t say I had a career, I wasn’t motivated enough! But I did have a job I enjoyed and held a lot of responsibility. Then when my oldest two were small and I needed to make some money I qualified as a Childminder and for two years I did that. That was a great idea as it meant it fitted in with the kids and I could still be at home with them. But that was hard work!

Now that my kids are all in full time school I’ve been fortunate enough to get a contract where I work mostly school hours in term time only and only one day a week during the holiday. In a lot of ways the perfect job! But it’s interesting that having been a stay at home mum for years and then going back into the workplace the jobs at home don’t suddenly disappear! So I’ve been learning to juggle!

I’m sure fellow mum’s in the same situation have gotten a lot better at it than me! I can juggle the kids and the cooking but the cleaning generally falls by the wayside!

Becoming a mum means a life of learning to sacrifice, putting the needs of others before your own. Initially you find yourself fighting it! But I’ve learnt through experience it’s best to go with it and reap the rewards over the years, of having kids you (mostly) enjoy spending time with. Realising life will never be the idyll that movies tell you it will be.

I don’t want to have regrets when my kids are grown up. That’s why I will often choose them over other opportunities whether work or social. I’ve already had a glimpse of just how fast our time with them goes, as my oldest is now 14 and only has two more years of school before he starts thinking about college, and to be honest, even now he’s not keen to spend loads of time with me!

So as tough as parenting and work can be to juggle, my advice would be keep an eye on the time! It will fly! Enjoy your kids while they’re with you to enjoy them. Work is always going to be there, they aren’t!

Critique

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At the moment I have a couple of areas where I’m receiving regular critique. (Not including parenting where my kids give me daily feedback!) Receiving critique can be painful! However much we pretend we like it, and know it’s helpful, it’s still an ouch moment!

When it comes to writing, giving your work to someone to read is a moment filled with trepidation! You spent a long time putting together a story and you have no idea how it’s going to be received, but in the mind of the writer ‘it’s the perfect novel’! Until you get feedback!

The way I’ve learnt to handle feedback is to start by allowing myself to get emotional about it! I’m a crier! I may shed a few tears, mourn what I thought it was! Then after a couple of days, (it used to be a couple of weeks!), I reread it and react.

My writing partner Sophie reminds me feedback can be put into three categories, accept, adapt or ignore. The initial temptation can be to ignore it all! Maybe they just didn’t get it! Or accept it all, decide you’re no good and give up! But usually there’s a little bit of each.

Accepting means making the change they suggest. Adapt can mean understanding their meaning but not taking their solution. A lot of feedback falls into this category. Sometimes it’s a case of the reader or hearer not understanding where you’re trying to get to and so their solution doesn’t fit, or what they’ve pointed out is a minor issue but actually points to something bigger that needs fixing. Painful!

Finally, ignore, I’m very careful with this one and only ignore if I know it’s not correct. For example it could be that someone has struggled with something that others haven’t or it could be that a more experienced eye or ear is able to help you dismiss it. But be careful with this one!

Overall I would say that it’s so important to receive critique, it keeps you humble! Be careful who you ask, you don’t want only people who are going to tell you how amazing you are but equally you don’t want anyone who is going to shatter your confidence entirely!

Critique will challenge you but ultimately, if you let it, make you better at whatever it is you’re doing. Embrace the pain, allow yourself to be upset but wait to respond!

What’s so good about Harry Potter?

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Since lockdown last year I started reading the Harry Potter series aloud to the kids. They are really enjoying all the random voices I use, the downside to this is that if I’m busy, Sean’s not allowed to read! I don’t think it stinks at all but those who’ve read the books will get the reference.

We’ve been reading the series since lockdown started and have just started it again. I’ve always been a book worm and I love reading aloud. As a writer I’ve learnt that often it’s in the reading aloud that you get a good feel for the flow and whether a story works. This means Sean has sat through my novels as I read them out to him. I love the immediacy of the feedback when I do this! Sean has been very patient with me as I drill him on every aspect of the story, what he feels works and what doesn’t.

Anyway back to Harry Potter. JK Rowling is an author often cited by aspiring writers as someone to look up to as she had so many rejections before finally finding success. I can completely relate! Not that I’ve
had the success yet, but the rejection emails however polite are still disappointing! It takes perseverance to keep going.

Looking at the Harry Potter series it’s interesting to see J.K. Rowling grow as a writer. Even just looking at the size of the books themselves you can see what happens. The initial book is very short in comparison to the last ones. I imagine this is due to the editing process,  as soon as she began to be successful the editing got less vigorous. I would love to read a first draft of the first book to see what gems had to be sacrificed and whether any of those cuts made it into subsequent novels.

I find it so hard to edit and delete stuff that I originally thought would work, even harder is cutting those sentences and phrases that I worked hard on or intially felt inspired. But now that my edit of this version of my novel is completed, I value the efforts of my editor and her honesty in sharing changes I could make. My writing is better for her help.

This applies to so many areas of life! Critique while painful initially can bring about something even better!

Dedication to a patient Husband

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I hope you all have had a great Easter holidays. It’s been so good to have the kids gone with no expectations of educating them!

This week was Sean’s birthday. We’ve been together since we were sixteen and he’s been my best friend all that time. When we met he was shy and quiet. He had to be told by his older sister that I was interested in him! He finally asked me out before we went to youth group one Friday evening. I was so excited I don’t know how I made it through the evening! Eventually we had a moment alone and I gave him a list of conditions to going out with me! See I told you he’s patient! Amazingly he still wanted to go out with me!

The last 22 years have been the best! We’ve grown up together. He went from the shy boy who I just about persuaded to play drums at church to a confident leader who is competent in so many things. He’s not perfect but then neither am I! We’ve led worship together, run life group together, camped together and so much more! I could fill many posts with our adventures!

He’s had to cope with my fads and phases, my disillusionment and overexcitement. He’s had to cope with my idea of a joke which used to be running into the house first and turning all the lights off and hiding so I could make him jump. (He has a really girlie scream! Too funny!)

As I contemplate what the Queen must be feeling with the loss of her husband, I think she must be grateful for a husband she could rely on, who made her smile and stood by her. I know I am. I can’t imagine life without my best friend and hope that I never do. So my prayers are with the Queen as she adjusts to life without her closest ally.

I know this is a sentimental post and that you may not have even got this far with but sometimes it’s good to write something just to say ‘Thank you’. I’m so thankful that my best friend asked me to marry him. I know how blessed I have been. Happy Birthday Sean! You’re my hero!