Family

Sean’s sense of direction

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

Something that often causes a lot of hilarity is Sean’s sense of direction, or lack of it! He takes after his mum, who was just the same. She would always ask for a hand-drawn map before going anywhere, even if it was to the local shops! To be fair, they lived out in the sticks! These stories come up so often around the table I think it’s worth dedicating a whole blog to Sean getting lost or going the wrong way.

One of my favourite stories is from when we were dating, Sean was at uni in Bournemouth and I was living in Portsmouth. We were both so excited he’d passed his driving test so we didn’t need to keep taking trains. Now you have to remember this was before Google maps or sat navs!

The first time he drove to see me, he called me in a panic and said he had seen no signs for Portsmouth in ages and had no idea where he was! He’d pulled over in a layby and the only sign he remembered seeing was one saying ‘Welcome to Salisbury!’ Now those of you who know your UK south coast geography will know that to go from Bournemouth to Portsmouth you follow one road and you head east! Well, Sean took the only mistake it’s possible to make and when the road split he took the turning heading north, and rather than being concerned about all the signs pointing to Salisbury rather than Portsmouth, he carried on driving for half an hour! Luckily, he found his way to me in the end, and it was that weekend that he proposed! Clearly, he realised he needed a navigator!

Sean’s family all live near London, and so we often make the trip up to see them. It’s a journey we have made dozens of times. It takes about two and a half hours and is pretty straight-forward. Normally, it all goes smoothly, normally! One time, I fell asleep in the car as we reached the M25 and when I woke up, we were almost at the M1, which is about half an hour past our junction!

Another time, Sean had been to visit his parents on his own and called me while I was cooking dinner with a friend. My hands were full, so I put the phone on speaker; he sounded very frustrated! So it probably didn’t help that I giggled a little and asked how many times he’d made this same journey! At that he started yelling down the phone that he was lost and had no flipping idea where he was! I then informed him he was on speakerphone and that I wasn’t alone, at which point he started laughing too! He’d just taken a wrong turning and was driving in circles around Arundel! He just needed to vent his frustration and me and my friends giggling somehow didn’t help!

Probably one of the funniest was when he picked up a babysitter to bring them to our house for the evening, they were just around the corner from our house when instead of turning left, he turned right! The babysitter turned to him and said, “Don’t you live back there?”

We’re so grateful for Google maps and I think without it Sean would literally be lost!

As we’ve been talking about this particular post, there have been several more stories coming up and so there will be at least one more blog on this subject!

Cookbook for the kids!

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

I’m taking a break from our ‘Table Tales’ to let you know that for Christmas this year, I made a cookbook for my kids. As they’re growing up so quickly, I wanted to make them something that means they could take me with them wherever they are. Something to accompany the stories they’ll continue to share around their own dinner tables.

I learnt to cook when my oldest two were babies, mostly because I don’t like to be bored, and as much as I loved having the babies around, I needed to feel like I’d achieved something every day. I started out with a book called ‘Quick and Easy Recipes’ that I found in a charity shop. We had some absolute disasters along the way! The time I mixed up the sugar and salt in a lemon drizzle cake! Or the soggy courgette quiche, which even now makes Sean gag at the thought of! But over time, I’ve made fewer mistakes and gotten a better idea of what will work and what definitely won’t.

I’m not claiming to be an amazing or even a natural cook, I’m probably about an average family cook and the recipes are for things that I genuinely regularly make for my family.

If you’d like to have a go at a few of our recipes, then the cookbook is available on Amazon in Kindle, paperback and hardback. If you enjoy it, please leave a review or let me know if you have any other recipes I should try.

Our dad is on fire!

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

This blog post has been written by my eldest, Tom! As you read the title for this, Tom would like you to be thinking of the song by The Kings of Leon!

Enjoy Tom’s story!

As I’m sure you know (or will find out) from other stories, we as a family love going camping, if you can call it that: caravan, deck chairs, windbreaks to block out everyone else there and hatred from those very people, and we go with one or two other families both lifelong friends of my parents and now all of us.

A key thing a person would note is that two of the three fathers in this collection have a significant lack of hair! My dad, the third of the trio is very proud of the fact that his hair has remained intact the longest (us kids would certainly tell you otherwise, the “McDonald’s” hairline is a staple comment that comes to mind).

One evening while we were “camping”, my dad, mum, Millie and I were sitting around a fire after dinner, while the army of kids, including the self-proclaimed “Starfish King” (a story for another time), were at the park and the other parents were washing dishes at the other end of the campsite.

We were having some usual parent-child chats about life and siblings who weren’t there, and of course, the condition of the fire dad had created, which was slowly losing its thunder as the evening went on.

As dad was fiddling with a stick that was trying to escape its fiery demise, it suddenly flamed up and, as chance would have it, the prominent tuft of hair that dad proudly holds to, did as well. As you can imagine, there was much shouting and after a second of panic and funny sounds, the fire was extinguished by many slaps and after that, his head continued to be slapped for a few more seconds.

We looked in shock as we saw a rather sizeable chunk of his hair had been singed and was still glowing a little. My first response was to run away in search of my dad’s bald friends, who also liked to mock his thinning hair.

When they got back, there was much laughter and speculation about whether my dad was going to have to shave it all off! Unfortunately, the next day, he woke up, and it was much harder to determine where the fire had got him (possibly due to the gallon of hair wax he puts on in the morning)

Brownsea Island

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

This is an infamous story the kids love to tell about Sean. This is from 2012, when Tom was 5, Millie was 4, and I was about five months pregnant with Abbie. At the time, money was extremely tight and so my mother-in-law had bought us National Trust membership and I wanted to take full advantage of it! One of the few local options was Brownsea Island, just off Poole. This was quite exciting because we had to take a little ferry to get there. We would have to pay for that, but we’d checked the prices and thought it was worth going.

We drove to the ferry port to discover there was no parking. Sean offered to drop us off and find parking, but I was hesitant because Sean’s sense of direction is a little dubious and I thought we might end up never seeing him again. So we drove around the roads in the area looking for somewhere to park. All the roads had double yellow lines! So we ended up having to park at the beach in Sandbanks, probably the most expensive parking in the area and a good fifteen minute walk from the ferry.

Once parked, Sean and I dug out all the cash we had in order to pay the extortionate parking fee and headed off to the ferry. Millie was never a great walker and so Sean carried her most of the way. We got to the ferry and saw that we were just in time as they were getting people on board to leave.

We went to the little booth to buy our tickets. Four tickets, all good. They had space, and it was free for the children. All perfect. Sean handed over his debit card to pay and the man in the booth shook his head saying, “Sorry mate, we don’t take cards.” Sean’s mouth dropped open at this! Who doesn’t take cards?! Sean asked how he would prefer to be paid and the reply came, cash or cheque! He quietly lost it at this and laughingly said, “Cheque, cheque? No one has carried a cheque book since the 80s!” The man smiled in reply and insisted that we would have to pay by cash. Shaking his head, Sean got out his wallet and rummaged for some cash, but came up short because we’d used all our cash for the car park!

Turning back to the ticket man, he asked where the nearest cash point was, assuming it must be close if this was the only way to pay. But no, the nearest cash point was back at the beach.

Sean looked down at the kids, back at the ticket man, then at me. “Do we really want to go to Brownsea Island?” The chorus was “Yes!” from the kids. Sean sighed, and we walked across the road to where there was a tourist shop that the kids could look at the junk for sale.

We had a hasty whispered conversation about what to do and agreed there was no way round it. We’d already spent a fortune on parking, we were going to Brownsea Island. Sean left me with the kids and headed back to the beach.

We waited, and we waited. I was getting nervous Sean had gotten lost and, being five months pregnant, was desperate to use the public toilets. I took the kids in and realised that we couldn’t all fit into one cubicle with my enormous belly, and I was too nervous to leave them outside on their own. It was pretty grim in there and I was probably a lot more cautious when I only had two kids! We went back outside and waited as I hopped from foot to foot. Just as I was deciding we would have to all walk back to the car to find my geographically challenged husband, Sean came into view limping and with a face like thunder.

He was shaking his head and muttering under his breath, “This better be flipping worth it!”. I smiled sweetly and asked him to stand for a minute with the kids while I dashed into the toilets. We went up and paid for the tickets with cash and waited for the next ferry to arrive.

While we were waiting, I looked down and noticed Sean’s foot was bleeding. I reached into my bag and got out the ever ready wet wipes and gave one to him. Not daring to ask what happened!

He gave a half smile and told us what happened. He’d left us and ran along the road, thinking there must be a cash point somewhere between here and the beach. But no, he got all the way back to the car and finally found a cash point, still fuming about being offered to pay by cheque. He put his card in and entered his pin. It was at this point the cash point informed him that there would be a £1.50 charge for every £10 withdrawn. As I said, money was tight, and to spend £1.50 on getting his own money out of a cash point was a no no. So he walked a bit further and found another one but this one had a 25% charge! But by this stage, he knew we were waiting. The kids wanted to go; I wanted to go, so he had to get the cash. He walked back to the first cashpoint painfully and forcefully agreed to this outrageous charge and yanked his card and the cash out of the machine.

At this point, he was absolutely livid! This trip was supposed to be fun, and he’d had to drive around to find parking, walk for miles carrying a by now fairly heavy four-year-old, only to be told he couldn’t pay for the ferry unless he had cash or a flipping cheque(!), had to walk again to get the cash and finally pay for the cash. It was the last straw. He was so frustrated he now had to walk all the way back and pretend to be happy and enjoy this stupid island! An innocent pine cone lay on the road and so Sean took aim and kicked it with all his might!

The pine cone remained in place as his foot smashed into the pavement! As we heard this, I did my best to keep a straight face as Millie asked, “Why did you do that Daddy?”

We remember little about our time on Brownsea Island, but whenever someone mentions going there, Sean frowns and says definitely not worth the effort!

Key Dramas Part One

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

You wouldn’t think there could be that many stories about keys, but as we were collating these stories, we realised that we’ve had some hilarious moments with keys. This is the first of them and I’ll intersperse them throughout the year!

Sean’s favourite key drama happened when our eldest two, Tom and Millie, were very young. Tom was two and Millie was under one. I had to take the kids out to do a food shop so took them out to the car, got them strapped in, put the buggy in the boot with the changing bag. I then reached into the changing bag to get the keys to drive. They weren’t there.

I was sure they should be in there. I emptied the entire bag into the boot and couldn’t find them. Then I repacked it and unfolded the buggy. I must have left them in there. But no. Still calm I realised I must have got them caught on one of the kids as I put them in their car seats. Nope. I strapped them back in the car.

Panic began to rise. I knelt down on the ground and looked under the car. I peered into the drain by the curb. Ran back to the house and checked they weren’t on the floor by the front door.

They had vanished.

Fortunately, I had my mobile with me. I called Sean at work, more than a little panicky, saying I couldn’t find the keys. He was very calm and said they must be there somewhere or I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids in the car. He suggested I look for a little longer and if I really couldn’t find them, he’d walk home and give me his keys.

Well, I searched and searched, now very tearful and exhausted. Shopping forgotten, I just wanted to get into the house. I called Sean back, and he agreed to come and rescue me!

It was about a fifteen-minute walk for him to come home and when he got to our road; I saw him running to get to me. He arrived at me at the car, walked around it, closed the boot and pulled the keys from the lock, handed them to me and ran back to work! Ooops!

Theunissen Table Tales

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

At a wedding last year, my husband Sean was delivering the message, and he mentioned that to get to know us as a family, all you need to do is come for dinner. It’s around our table that you’ll hear all our stories, and our secrets! At that point in the service, several faces in the congregation turned to us and smiled knowingly.

It’s one of the things I love about our family. We can laugh at those little accidents and mistakes everyone experiences in everyday life. It means although some stories might have been difficult to live through with distance, we’re able to find the lighter side.

So with the help of my children and their permission, I’ve collated a whole list of favourite stories to share. Last year was a tough year and so rehearsing those moments of laughter is often what carries us through. I hope you enjoy reading about our adventures and mishaps. I’d love to hear yours!

I’m going to start with a story the kids love to retell about me! I don’t think of myself as clumsy, but the reality is, I probably am, just a little!

A couple of years ago, Bournemouth introduced electric scooters and so we took the kids down to the seafront and hire them. Leo was very cautious and so instead he took his hoverboard with the go-kart attachment. We hired three scooters and took it in turns to scoot up and down the prom. Everything was going fine, the sun was shining, kids were laughing and racing each.

Then, unfortunately, Leo’s hoverboard battery died before we wanted to finish with the scooters. It was heavy and so we couldn’t just carry it around for the next hour or so, which meant someone had to take it back to the car. Sean was happy to walk it back, but I was sure there was a quicker way.

I suggested we strap the go-kart attachment to the handlebars of one of the electric scooters and then carry the (very heavy) hover board under one arm while scooting back on one of the other scooters. Sean was not keen on the idea but I’m a trier and so wouldn’t give it up! I strapped the go-kart on to Tom’s scooter as he watched with a doubtful look.

Sean and Tom both said they thought it wouldn’t work, but I was adamant it would be fine. Saying my stubborn catchphrase “It’ll be fine!”. I put the hover board under my arm, kicked off on the scooter, and accelerated off.

I say accelerated off, but in reality I went about 5 meters before the hoverboard started to slip and I had to readjust it. It turns out you can’t use an electric scooter with one hand while adjusting a weighty item under the other arm! I wobbled and toppled!

The crash was loud enough to draw the attention of everyone on the prom, which was, as always, very busy. My family stood 5 meters behind me staring and, in Sean’s case, hiding a smile and shaking his head. I lay, starfish style, on the sand covered concrete, assessing my injuries (a very real concern in your forties)! Definite bruised knees and elbows, and more importantly bruised ego!

After the freeze frame moment, Sean came jogging over and helped me up. The kids followed, staring down at me with incredulity. To his credit, Sean didn’t laugh, or say I told you so, not then anyway! He checked I was ok, picked up the hoverboard, unstrapped the go-kart from the other scooter and walked back to the car, despite my insisting I would try again!

To this day, whenever the kids tell this story, I still think we could have found a way! I think this story illustrates well one of my biggest blind spots! I think with a bit of effort anything is possible, and I’m willing to give it a go anyway!

My Dad

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

I’ve been quiet on my blog these last few months because we had an unexpected loss. On the 18th May, my lovely dad went to bed and on the 19th, he didn’t wake up. Since then, it’s been a journey of navigating grief at a whole new level. When thinking of posting here, I wanted to start with telling you about this special man I had the privilege of calling Dad.

One thing to know about my Dad, is that he was fastidious about being on time and would rather be half an hour early than one minute late. It feels as though God understood this and so has taken him home early, before we were ready, but just right for him. 

Dad was born and raised in Guildford with his parents and sister, Angela. He had a happy childhood and loved his family very much. In his late teens, he unexpectedly lost his eyesight due to a blood disorder. Which meant an end to his motorbike loving lifestyle. For months, he travelled to and from the hospital while they tried to work out what was wrong. His family were so supportive and his older sister Angela, in particular, he mentioned with fondness during this difficult time. But he didn’t allow his disability to stop him. He married my mum, Jean, at 24 and then had my sister and I, his girls, over the following years. 

There were many highs and lows and one particular low was in 1990, our family had been made homeless and we had been temporarily housed in Lancing. We were invited to visit Grace Church, and it was here that Dad made a decision that changed his life. He gave his life to Jesus and devoted himself to learning about God.

From then on, his life was one of devotion. He volunteered at an audio production service and travelled there every day by train. Of course, he would be sure to be there at least an hour before he started! He loved his job and working with his best friend. Even when he retired, he kept up his friendship and learnt to play piano with his best friend’s wife, who did an incredible job helping him to learn by ear. Even passing exams, an achievement he was so proud of. 

I know he loved us girls, but he would have loved to have sons, which is why he was so pleased when we were both married and he had sons-in-law! He gave fantastic speeches at both weddings with no notes, just from memory. He’s been a great granddad to his seven grandchildren, willing to play games with them even when it’s been a struggle for him to see what’s happening. He would love to play catch with the kids and caused great hilarity when getting shocked at catching the ball! Often using his catchphrase of ‘Oh dear me no!’

In his retirement, he didn’t slow down. He volunteered at the food bank and anywhere else he could be useful. He was often concerned that he was in the way without realising that his presence alone was an encouragement! 

Being a member of a local church was really important for Dad and so for many years he would travel to Worthing to be a part of Redeemer, where he made some incredible friends who meant an awful lot to him. Then when the travelling got to be too much, he moved to join Lancing Tab, where he has made a whole new group of friends and has thrown himself into community life. I don’t doubt he’s missed by his church family.  

He learnt new technology and taught himself how to use an iPad and iPhone, meaning he could take part in meetings during lockdown and had weekly FaceTime chats with me. Even if some weeks it was a conversation with his forehead!

Apart from all these facts, my Dad was one of the kindest and most generous men I’ve ever known. He wouldn’t hesitate to help anyone who was in need and hated to ask for help himself. He had struggled with his health over the past few years, but even when he was down, he would cling to the hope of the gospel. He didn’t lose faith, but knew he was going to a better place.

Our whole family will cherish our memories of Dad. He’s been a devoted grandad to his grandchildren. Always ready to play games with them. Whether that was chess, catch, or the Sock Game.  What an incredible man he was. He taught me how to have a good work ethic, how to persevere no matter what, how to forgive and how to live life to the full. 

I love you dad and will never forget all that you taught us and the way that you lived and loved. 

Autism and the power of the tongue!

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

Recently, I’ve had conversations with my kids about what it’s appropriate and not appropriate to say to different people. I’ve always been very careful with how I’ve spoken to them but I know that in the past I’ve said things I wish I could retract! Now as I watch my kids grow up I want to spare them the pain of making similar mistakes and having similar regrets.

I want my kids to be able to express how they feel to me and other close family but to have a filter that they use with other people. Not everyone needs to know everything you’re thinking and feeling. Not everyone needs to know what you think about them! Even if you think it will be helpful!

I’ve had to explain that not everyone wants to hear the truth about everything. But how do you explain what’s ok to say and what isn’t?

The best way we’ve found is for us to model it for them. We have a very large dinner table and we sit at it every day for our meals and it’s rare for it just to be the six of us eating together. This gives us an opportunity to model communication.

This in some ways is a high risk strategy because it means there have been some big blunders! But it also means that our kids get to see how we handle those blunders. How we apologise if necessary and we can chat later about where they went wrong. Usually though we all end up laughing and don’t take ourselves too seriously.

We have tried a couple of techniques to get everyone around the table involved in the conversation and help with turn taking. The first one we did for a few years was to let everyone share their happiest moment of the day and their hardest moment. This meant everyone got to speak and we all got to hear about each others day without interrupting and then at the end we could offer some encouragement for getting through whatever the challenge was. We could also talk about what they could do differently the next day.

More recently, we’ve made it a family tradition on birthdays or special occassions to put the person for whom the day is special, in the spotlight and everyone else says what they especially love about that person. We’ve found this so helpful especially with our teenagers, as they often only hear what’s wrong with them from the world around them. This has lead to some really special moments of recognition and confidence boosts.

Whether you’re neurodiverse or neurotypical, we all have to learn to control our tongues! So the best advice I’ve heard is to remember you have two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion!

Helping Children with Anxiety

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

A recurring theme in our home is anxiety, and it’s clear that anxiety is a common challenge faced by many families. It can impact our daily lives and the whole family’s overall well-being. As parents, we have to learn how to support and guide our children.

Here’s a few of the things we’ve learnt and are still learning with our children.

  • We need to create a safe and supportive environment. It’s important that we have open communication, this means our children can share their worries and fears. We encourage them to share their thoughts and try not to speak too quickly. We ask lots of non-judgemental questions and reflect back what they have told us. We want them to know they’re heard and taken seriously.
  • We’ve realised that we needed to educate ourselves about anxiety. Don’t assume you understand, as I’ve said before there are lots of helpful YouTube videos about it. Don’t just watch the clinicians but listen to the people who have struggled with anxiety, even if it feels like they don’t have any solutions. It will help you to know what your child could be going through and not able to express.
  • Learn some relaxation and grounding techniques. We’ve found helping our child to focus on something specific. E.g. Name five Marvel superheroes. What’s one thing you can hear, smell, see, touch and taste? Describe your funniest moment in my little pony/ninjago/how to train your dragon etc. All these are good ways to calm down their breathing if they’re having a panic attack or at bedtime if they’re worrying. It also means we can get regulated before we discuss what is causing the anxiety. A relaxation technique we use at bedtime is when they’re lying in bed, to imagine themselves saying goodnight to each part of their body, starting at their toes and working their way up. Both of these have been a good way to stop anxiety at bedtime about the next day.
  • Equipping our children with coping strategies when they’re away from home is important and a big part of that is an active lifestyle. Exercise is so important, it helps to release endorphins or if not exercise, then finding a hobby they get joy from (the trampoline was great for this). Through these things, they’ll also learn some problem-solving skills.
  • Encouraging positive self-talk is really important. We can do this by modelling it for them. But also when our children are in a heightened state, we speak positively to them and don’t let them say they can’t do anything or they will always be this way.
  • We’ve worked at creating predictable routines. As I’ve mentioned before, food is a big deal in our house and so we have a chalkboard with the meal plan written on. Before the weekends, we lay out the plan for the days. Even if the plan is to stay home and relax. If there’s going to be any change, we make sure we give enough notice and if we can’t, we factor in some time to be upset before we need to get out of the house. We’ve found that predictability helps reduce uncertainty, a common trigger for anxiety.
  • This one can be a challenge, but promoting a healthy lifestyle really supports our children’s overall well-being. This means a good amount of sleep, healthy meals, regular exercise and a good self-care routine. Sometimes this means ensuring food isn’t being hoarded in bedrooms and trying to get some fruits and veggies in their diet!
  • Lastly, if you’re still finding your child/children are struggling then seek professional support. There’s no shame in saying you need help and it could make a real difference.

Our experience has been anxiety can be intense for a season and then pass. So we try to make sure we’re preparing them outside of these difficult seasons. This way when anxiety hits the tools are already in place and familiar.

Starbucks Season

/ racheltheunissenwriter / Leave a comment

For the last year or so, my writing and publishing partner, Sophie and I, have been meeting in Starbucks on a Thursday to write and talk about publishing, family, and life in general! It’s been so good to have a rhythm to writing and to have a quiet place (earphones in!) to concentrate and when distracted, people watch!

In the time we’ve been meeting, we’ve managed to get a book published and have been individually completing our own novels. This week is one of the last Thursdays I’ll be able to do this. I’m sure there will be other days and other opportunities, change brings with it both positives and negatives.

It’s given me an opportunity to think about seasons of change and transition and how we all cope with them in different ways. This is probably more relevant for me with one child about to finish his GCSE’s and another struggling with a change of teacher. When we get to the end of a season, we sometimes get time to realise it’s coming to an end, as with my son. He’s very ready for it to end. He can’t wait to leave school. Even though he’s going to continue his education, he’s going to be in a different setting with different teachers and less of the subjects he doesn’t want to do!

I want to tell him to enjoy these last few months of school. He’ll never get this time back and so I want him to embrace the school experience, to enjoy being with his friends every day. To choose not to let the stress of exams wear him down but to realise this is one step towards the future he can’t yet see.

But maybe change comes suddenly, as with my daughter, whose teacher has gone off sick. There was no warning and so the change has been jarring. She couldn’t prepare for it and so is struggling to cope with the variation and regular teacher change. This is partly due to her autism, but I think we all find sudden changes hard to cope with. I wish I could help her to understand that change can be good, even when it’s sudden. I want to calm her racing mind and show her the school is doing so much to help her cope, including adding a well-being day to help her find things that she enjoys and is good at.

So as my Starbucks season comes to an end, I’ve been thinking about what I’ve enjoyed about this season, apart from the coffee! It’s been a time of creativity and, let’s be honest, sometimes stress, as we published our first book for Cadence Publishing. I’ve been able to edit and write, people watch and chat. It’s been time to allow my introvert side to get some breathing space. (Our house is very often full of people!)

As I enter a new season, I’m thankful for Starbucks and all that it’s represented on Thursdays for me. I want to remember how important creativity and space to think can be, and in the busy-ness that’s to come, I want to find new ways to get creative. Maybe Starbucks will still feature, somehow! Either way, I’ve a lot to be grateful for.